Spoiled brats Somewhere around age fourteen or fifteen, I became aware of a phenomenon that I had been previously undisturbed by; namely that, as a Roman Catholic Christian and firm believer in my salvation through the saving blood of Jesus Christ, I am considered to be less than Christian by a great percentage of protestants. Had I been properly catechized this might not have been such a shock, but like so many of my contemporaries and our parents, I was not. I think exposure to this prejudice had a great deal to do with my leaving the Christian faith altogether for the better part of a decade. In early adulthood I returned to the faith, and I took great measures to understand this prejudice, its origins, and its impact on inter-Christian relations. I have made my peace with its existence and deal with it on a case by case basis, the best way I know how. We (Catholics) are ever being accused of lacking some sort of undefined Christian resolve or ability to understand grace, or something. Perhaps as I develop this thought I will be able to better put my finger on it, but I have not yet had it explained to me in any clear terms, apart from sarcastic comments that seem to vaguely disparage my ability to understand forgiveness. The other day though, I had a thought. The “lack-usations” seem to typically take the form of statements like: “Well Catholics just say a couple Hail Mary’s and they think they’re forgiven” or “Oh it’s easy for Catholics, they just do whatever they want all week, then go to confession and it’s all good”. I don’t have room to bother with all of the things that are wrong with these types of statements; suffice it to say they are completely erroneous. Perhaps I’ll develop that later, perhaps not. So the accusation is, I believe, that Catholics think they have to do something to affect their forgiveness, and therefore we are stupid assholes who don’t understand that it is free, and we don’t therefore deserve the mutual respect afforded REAL Christians? Those protestants who feel this way, and it is a LOT more than you might believe, seem to me to be an awful lot like a spoiled child. Picture if you will, the child of an affluent family, the only child of an affluent family, who wants for nothing. They have never conceived of the idea of working for the things they need because they have never been exposed to this reality of life for most people. Dad comes home clean and well-dressed from wherever he goes during the day, and his disconnected, unappreciative family, who ignores him apart from hitting him up for money, is virtually unaware of where he’s been or how he even got the money. He is certainly not at fault, and only wants to give his family all of the advantage he can, but they can’t conceive of the sacrifices he has had to make throughout his life, to be able to provide so generously for them. This is the same kid who gets five speeding tickets, wrecks three cars, and knocks up his girlfriend in high school, all without remorse or regret, because mom or dad is right there every time to bail him out, without so much as gratitude as a prerequisite. That good old “Catholic guilt” that has long been deemed worthy of so much ridicule, stems I think, from a deeper understanding of what Dad had to go through to provide, what He has provided for us. It is remorse. It is a deep love for the one who comes and bails us out when we’ve screwed up, and a true sorrow for His having to. Our sins are not without price any more than our wrecking dad’s car is without price, just because he foots the bill. Imagine your dad’s reaction to having paid for your wrecking his car, only to see you instantly running around happily, and belittling your friends who are ashamed, or trying to do chores, because they wrecked their dad’s car and they feel HORRIBLE about it. What would he say, if he saw you flaunting the fact that you don’t hold yourself accountable, and demeaning others who do? That other kid knows his dad, knows what his dad gave up and what he had to go through to provide for him. He knows how much his dad loves him, and is sick to the core about what he has done in spite of his dad’s love. This is the source of “Catholic guilt”. This is why we feel the need to confess our sins to our brother, that we may be healed. Grace is not a commodity for us, reacted to differently depending on whether or not we have to pay for it; it is unwavering love in the face of betrayal. When we sin, we have betrayed the one who died a humiliating, horrific death, for our benefit, out of love for us. He is our perfect and blameless spouse that we have cheated on. We know He forgives us. Do you understand that we get this? We know it, and we don’t deserve it. If we didn’t understand that His forgiveness is free and undeserved, we would not be so sick and disgusted over our sin. We are pulled by the pit of our stomach to repentance, and sorrow. How can you mock this? Don’t get me wrong, the mockery is appreciated and truly helps us to be more Christ-like, but what I DON’T understand is how you can react to your sin as if you are entitled to your forgiveness, like He owes it to you, as if it was YOU on that freaking cross. HOW DAMNIT, HOW? Why am I the “non-Christian” and you are the righteous? Why am I a stupid asshole for regretting my transgression and taking measures to try and stop them? The question isn’t why do I act this way, the question is WHY DON’T YOU? Because your pastor told you I’m an idiot? Because his piss ant little church was there at the cross, and so he knows how I should believe? BULLSHIT! You are undoubtedly Christ’s child, His spoiled, rotten, nasty child, and you need to understand that it was me who killed Jesus. IT WAS ME WHO KILLED JESUS! And it was you. I killed Him in cold blood, as He looked up at me, begging to be loved back, the way that He loves me. And I kicked Him in the face, and I spit on Him. I tore His shoulders out of their sockets, and I put Nails though His hands and feet and I hung Him up to asphyxiate under His own weight. He tried to catch a deep breath, but only by pushing against the nail I put through His feet, AND I LAUGHED! And you did too. You are not the woman who wiped his face, you are not the man who helped carry His cross, you are not the good thief who offered Him love, you are the executioner at best, and Judas at worst. And so am I. This is the point of the story, not so we can stand together feeling self-satisfied that would have helped Him if we were there, but that it was US who carried this out against Him. We did it. Every day, every time we sin, that is us. Why do I go to confession, and beg for His forgiveness, and communion with His Church? Because He asked me too, and because I am disgusted with what I have done to their Savior. Why do I pray prayers of love to His mom? Because I murdered her baby right in front of her, and she loves me anyway. I want to love you like He commands me, and no matter how much I want it, I fail. I am in a constant state of reconciling my sins against you in my own heart and mind, and cataloguing which instances are so grievous that I have to bring them to the Church and expose my soul, my sins, and wear the full weight of that guilt before another man, knowing full well that my sins were forgiven before I ever got there. Still sound like a short-cut to you? You people who mock us, who mock your elders in the Faith, are always in my heart, scratching and gnawing, and irritating and hardening it. And yet you continue, with your little comments, and your smug self-satisfaction, convinced that I am a laughable fool, an idiot for thinking I ought to do something because He has forgiven me. I couldn’t be anything but a fool right? And certainly not worthy of a moniker like Christian, why no, that’s reserved for those of you who understand how salvation works right? Real Christians, Bible believ’n Christians? That’s what the pastor said last week right, ya gotta be a real Bible believ’n Christian? Not like those Catholics, those mopey, down-trodden, sad-sack Catholics. If they knew The Word they’d be happy all the time right? This divisive ignorance has got to be ridden from the Body, and I can’t do it for you. A solid start would be for us to stop mocking one-another and begin making effort to understand.